Tag: anxiety

[5-Bullet Tuesday] Who is the most important person in your family?

Hi All,

Here’s your weekly dose of “5-Bullet Tuesday”, list of things I’m enjoying or pondering. Did you ever feel an unexplained, undiagnosed pain in the body? Well, it has happened to be several times now.  I have realized that my achy back has a pattern – a direct correlation with my stress levels. So, before you swallow a pain reliever or head to a doc, try lightening up by getting yourself in a good mood. So, why not we focus on a few things which can pull up your mood.

Article I loved reading –

Who is the most important person in your family?

I bet if you’re a parent your answer would be that it is your child or children. But does that mindset help bring up the child the way you’d always wanted – a caring, responsible and one who’d take the family values forward?

According to Dr John Rosemond, having your child as the most important person in the family is the first step toward raising a child who feels entitled.

Show I watched — 

Last week, Dinky emceed a Toastmaster’s event for an audience of over 400. #proud. Something like that surely takes a lot of courage but gives back a boost to one’s confidence. A confidence which brings in truckloads of energy to do things one never thought would be possible. One that raises your spirit.

One thing leads to another, and we also managed to watch our God (Sartaj’s) musical show despite several other urgencies.

And the show was more than just mesmerizing music, lights and an exhilarated audience. It was much more than just that. Much more. The entire experience taught us many big and small lessons some of which have been deciphered, some will be deciphered, and some will perhaps never be deciphered.

All I will say is: Thank you, Dr. Satinder Sartaj.

Negotiation tactic I learnt –

I dropped Dinky, my wife, to BLK hospital on the way back from Soha, our nine-year daughter’s parent teacher meeting. Soha and I were waiting in the car assuming it would take less than thirty minutes for getting doc’s advice for Dad’s growing health concerns. We were both keeping ourselves happily busy with eating the famous pasta we’d purchased from the school to singing to making vlogs. Then, Dinky called to say that there is quite a queue at the doc and it’ll take longer and that she things we should head home, and she’ll come back on her own. I kind of’ knew that in this situation it wouldn’t take longer than another 30 minutes and was insisting on waiting for her. Negotiation went in her favor when she said that Soha needs some rest and therefore I must understand. Now, the thing about negotiation is that when you don’t get exactly what you asked or wished for, you can ask for something else in return to make it a little better for you. I said, “OK, I’ll go now and drop Soha, but when you’re about to be done, give me a call and I’ll come to pick you. You have you agree to this if you don’t want us to wait now.”

Well, these negotiation tactics might work in boardrooms but not with your wife. She simply refused and declined my next call. Phew! 🙂

Anyway, within minutes of my reaching home, Dinky called back and said that she was done. Without much effort, she let me come to pick her up. Infact, she seemed keen on that now. My negotiation tactic worked after all. ♥️

Quote I’m pondering —

If you are distressed by anything external, the pain is not due to the thing itself but by your estimate of it; and this you have the power to revoke at any moment

– Marcus Aurelius

Was at the dentist’s cleaning for mom’s root canal. I was sitting nearby all through the procedure. Mom is extremely delicate in anything that can cause pain (she’s run away from orthodontist’s clinic when eyes dilation was suggested for basic eye checkups for example). As I was observing her, I realized that I have two choices to experience the suffering based on my (likely incorrect) estimation of her suffering or be detached from it while providing herself assurance that all shall be well. We’re almost programmed to seeing our loved ones go through pain but is really the time when they need you to remain calm and composed to be able to make rational decisions for them.

A new term I heard –

Exit interviews are passé, how about Stay interviews?  Have you ever sat down with your best employees in one-on-one discussion and asked:

  • What makes you stay?
  • What’s the one thing that would make you leave?

It is a simple, powerful discussion that can help identify problems before they become reasons for quitting. Studies show that companies that conduct Stay Interviews enjoy a higher % of engaged, motivated employees – and their turnover is much lower. If nothing else, it will surely bring up the mood of both the boss and the employee.

I’m basically suggesting that getting oneself in a positive frame of mind both at home and work is that magic mantra which will relieve you not only of the stress but also those unexplained aches and pains. Give that a shot and see for yourself.

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Little Something That Will Make You Actually Overcome Your Interview Phobia

“What do you like reading?“, asked  the interviewer.

“John Maxwell“, I replied (..well, I possibly have read more John Maxwell’s books than he’s written!).

The follow-up question came, “What do you like about John Maxwell?“

I froze.

I started babbling.

It was like losing in the home ground. Being beaten at something you always thought you were so good at. 

Not that I didn’t know the answer, just that I didn’t know where to start. 

I had a zillion thoughts run past my head instantaneously such as “Does he think that I am lying?“

Truth be told, I have suffered big time from job interview anxiety. 

It was serious. So much that I would think that I am a gone case. The only one or the chosen one!

It’s a bit like when you’re sick and don’t know the diagnosis. You often think that it’s just you.. until you know more. Reality is that whatever you’re going through has likely been experienced already by someone somewhere. 

However, I used to be so scared of the subject, that I would avoid talking about it. I would brush it aside if it ever came up. I was almost certain that there’s something wrong with me only. I kept it a secret because I feared being made fun of.

When I did, after all, opened up to talking about it, I realized that there is a world out there full of people who fear the interview: the interview phobics.

I know the feeling. You get blacked out, freeze or get defensive and eventually get caught in the trap of your own words. You feel cornered. You feel ashamed. You think that you have lost the golden chance. Guess what, the moment you have such feelings, is when it’s over.

If you can relate to this, read further..

Let’s take a step back: What is an interview anyway?

It’s the phenomenon of finding the right person for the job, and the right job for the person – It’s a two way street. a bit like finding a match in an arranged marriage. 

When you are out looking for a match, would you look for someone perfect – most beautiful, with top education and a fantastic family background?

(If you are, then, at present the only person who’d fit the bill is Manushi Chillar. She’s Miss World 2017, studying MBBS and seems to have a decent family. But then, she’s too good to be true, for  you, isn’t she?)

Or instead would you look for someone who is right for you? Someone who may not be (in fact should not be) perfect, but would adjust well to your life and circumstances. Remember, you aren’t perfect either.

Interviews are no different. They are seeking the right fit not the perfect one. So, you don’t have to be perfect. No one is! Just be yourself. Relax. Let go that feeling of being overwhelmed.

Besides, you are also evaluating them. It’s not a one way street. Not all the employers are right for you. Speak your mind, make mistakes but always give them the sense that you’re an equal. No marriage can ever happen with consent from one side. So, don’t act subservient*. 

Tell your story, hear theirs, and yes, it’s okay to be nervous. I have been on the other side and trust me, both sides are!

So, next time:

  • If you notice them scrutinizing your appearance, mannerisms, do the same to them! Remember you’re here to decide too.
  • If you think you are not well prepared, check their readiness. Chances are they aren’t prepared either. Ask questions such as “Could you tell me more about your company culture?” or “Please explain the job requirement to me in detail“, or “Please explain to me the growth path for my role” or “What are the organization’s plans for 2018” or “How does the organization deal with personality eccentricities?” Yes, you have all the right to ask. Actually, you need to know some or all of this before you consent to marry.
  • Be authentic while being positive. Expect the same in return. If they are rude or cold, you are not be in right hands.
  • Pay attention and don’t be desperate. Remember it’s the marriage of equals. Desperation will only reduce the chances of developing a bond. Hopefully, you’ve been through college – Hard-to-get girls/ guys always had multiple proposals and could pick and choose. While the desperate ones (lots of names popping up my head), got only one thing – rejection.

Wait a second… is that the Shehnai that I hear playing from a distance. 

Amen!

REFERENCES/ NOTES:

*Subservient is a word that has stayed with me over the years. I first heard it around 10 years back in the context of onsite-offshore teams. The speaker strongly advised offshore teams to not to act subservient. It’s meaning as per Webster is: useful in an inferior capacity, subordinate,  serving to promote some end, overly submissive

I Know Who Can Help You!

That Evening:

Deepti, my wife, rushed to get Sameer, our friendly neighborhood doctor. I had told her a while back something that sounded like, “I am dying!”

I haven’t died before but I assumed it couldn’t be worse than this.

Sameer walked upstairs and asked me how I was feeling.

How was I feeling?

It was very hard to describe.  I tried rambling something:

  • a pain in the stomach and ankle ..and everywhere else!
  • not enough oxygen is going into my system!
  • I’m sleepy all the time ..except at night!

What I should have told him that I didn’t:

  • I was scared – of everything and everyone
    • ..of doing things I loved to do!
    • ..of being successful (funny, coz’ I am nowhere close to that!)
    • ..of looking people in the eye
    • ..of my own self
  • I was living in a trance state
    • ..can’t clearly differentiate between reality and imaginations
    • ..have no interest in anything, not food, not life
  • I was running away
    • worried about home at work and about work at home
    • hate to say this but from my faith and God!
  • I didn’t trust anyone
    • not myself and not even my loved ones
    • no one else in this bad bad world
    • not the ground below my feet which shakes

Why Not Share the Truth?

I kept insisting that I had physical conditions – breathlessness, drowsiness, body pain… but hid the morbid feelings, the fear of dying and yet feeling a need for it. That I had a constant longing to hear the sound of  breathing of my loved ones.

It seems funny now but I didn’t see myself in the mirror at a store’s changing room. I pinched myself to check if I was alive. I was! It was just that the mirror was inclined at such an angle.

I didn’t believe it could happen to me. Perhaps, I feared I would speak myself into believing that I was depressed. Besides, what will they think?

“I am not going mad, okay! and what about the heavy breathing and this pain, is that in my head too?”

The Journey:

I saw many specialists and generalists. Several tests.

Anti-anxiety pills, Yoga, forced exercises followed.

One doctor even suggested that I install cameras at home. That’s what he was doing to be at peace,“Look, here’s my iPhone that shows real-time images of my house’s front and back gates and porch.”

One pointed out of his window and asked, “What do you see?”

Then said, “You will see what you want to see. Either see the beauty or the dirt.”

I came back and cursed him for the fee he charged for giving me that Stupid Gyan!

I can understand why I was skirting the issue. What I can’t understand is why the doctors were shying away. After all, they can talk about anything with little hesitation. If you’ve ever been to a urologist or gynecologist, then you know what I mean!

Thank God It’s Over!

I felt tired of it all. But Deepti didn’t ever give up.

She pushed me into seeing the nth doctor. This guy was different though. He said it on my face, “This is called Depression“.

A few tears rolled down Deepti’s cheeks.

I felt lighter.

Doctor added, “If there is one person who can help you out, then that is You. Medicines will help but only if you help yourself!.”

When he said this, something changed in me. I guess I had accepted for the first time that it can happen to me. That I needed to own this for myself. It’s easy to get used to becoming dependent on others.

[bctt tweet=”Nobody can bring you peace but yourself!”]

I also got treated for Vertigo. I am still not sure if I was suffering from it or not.

It took a lot of time to become completely normal. 2014. Thank God you’re over!

I imagine my wife during this time. It should have felt like living with the dead or even worse: living with someone who’s hallucinating and perhaps has suicidal or murderous tendencies!

She didn’t feel any of this. She was concerned but completely normal. More patient that she has ever been. More confident of me than I was about myself. There was one question which she asked daily, “How are you feeling? On a scale of 1 to 10?”

My scores gradually moved up.

If This Sounds Familiar:

You are not alone. Face it. Own it.

Hang in there.

Have faith.

There is one person who can surely bring you back to life: You!

..just remember: This too shall pass!