That Evening:
Deepti, my wife, rushed to get Sameer, our friendly neighborhood doctor. I had told her a while back something that sounded like, “I am dying!”
I haven’t died before but I assumed it couldn’t be worse than this.
Sameer walked upstairs and asked me how I was feeling.
How was I feeling?
It was very hard to describe. I tried rambling something:
- a pain in the stomach and ankle ..and everywhere else!
- not enough oxygen is going into my system!
- I’m sleepy all the time ..except at night!
What I should have told him that I didn’t:
- I was scared – of everything and everyone
- ..of doing things I loved to do!
- ..of being successful (funny, coz’ I am nowhere close to that!)
- ..of looking people in the eye
- ..of my own self
- I was living in a trance state
- ..can’t clearly differentiate between reality and imaginations
- ..have no interest in anything, not food, not life
- I was running away
- worried about home at work and about work at home
- hate to say this but from my faith and God!
- I didn’t trust anyone
- not myself and not even my loved ones
- no one else in this bad bad world
- not the ground below my feet which shakes
Why Not Share the Truth?
I kept insisting that I had physical conditions – breathlessness, drowsiness, body pain… but hid the morbid feelings, the fear of dying and yet feeling a need for it. That I had a constant longing to hear the sound of breathing of my loved ones.
It seems funny now but I didn’t see myself in the mirror at a store’s changing room. I pinched myself to check if I was alive. I was! It was just that the mirror was inclined at such an angle.
I didn’t believe it could happen to me. Perhaps, I feared I would speak myself into believing that I was depressed. Besides, what will they think?
“I am not going mad, okay! and what about the heavy breathing and this pain, is that in my head too?”
The Journey:
I saw many specialists and generalists. Several tests.
Anti-anxiety pills, Yoga, forced exercises followed.
One doctor even suggested that I install cameras at home. That’s what he was doing to be at peace,“Look, here’s my iPhone that shows real-time images of my house’s front and back gates and porch.”
One pointed out of his window and asked, “What do you see?”
Then said, “You will see what you want to see. Either see the beauty or the dirt.”
I came back and cursed him for the fee he charged for giving me that Stupid Gyan!
I can understand why I was skirting the issue. What I can’t understand is why the doctors were shying away. After all, they can talk about anything with little hesitation. If you’ve ever been to a urologist or gynecologist, then you know what I mean!
Thank God It’s Over!
I felt tired of it all. But Deepti didn’t ever give up.
She pushed me into seeing the nth doctor. This guy was different though. He said it on my face, “This is called Depression“.
A few tears rolled down Deepti’s cheeks.
I felt lighter.
Doctor added, “If there is one person who can help you out, then that is You. Medicines will help but only if you help yourself!.”
When he said this, something changed in me. I guess I had accepted for the first time that it can happen to me. That I needed to own this for myself. It’s easy to get used to becoming dependent on others.
[bctt tweet=”Nobody can bring you peace but yourself!”]
I also got treated for Vertigo. I am still not sure if I was suffering from it or not.
It took a lot of time to become completely normal. 2014. Thank God you’re over!
I imagine my wife during this time. It should have felt like living with the dead or even worse: living with someone who’s hallucinating and perhaps has suicidal or murderous tendencies!
She didn’t feel any of this. She was concerned but completely normal. More patient that she has ever been. More confident of me than I was about myself. There was one question which she asked daily, “How are you feeling? On a scale of 1 to 10?”
My scores gradually moved up.
If This Sounds Familiar:
You are not alone. Face it. Own it.
Hang in there.
Have faith.
There is one person who can surely bring you back to life: You!
..just remember: This too shall pass!
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